As far as being happy all the time that's a lie. No one's life is like that. My mom is the happiest (and sweetest) person I know but even she has a rough day now and again. I know I, like many of you, keep a lot of private things off the blog but I'm throwing caution to the wind and as my STEP kids would say there's going to be "real talk" on the blog today. I hope that in opening up about some things you guys will better understand me and maybe something I talk about will relate to something going on in your life.
In the spirit of throwing it all out there let me start with saying that Allan is gone A LOT! I spend nearly half the month here by myself with the dogs. I run the house, pay the bills, work two jobs, serve on two boards, and volunteer at both the library and the hospital so while I keep busy there are many nights when I eat cereal, watch my girl shows, and go to bed at 9 without having talked to Allan all day. When he's out of town he's often not reachable via phone or e-mail and it's very hard for him to get back home in case of emergency such as when my grandmother passed away. He couldn't make it back for the funeral. My Daddy taught me from a young age to be independent and to learn to take care of myself so I'm not sitting here helpless but I will admit that it does get lonely and when he's gone so much it's hard to feel like I am able to rely on him. (This is nothing Allan and our family and close friends haven't heard me say so don't think I'm airing anything on the blog that is news to them.) I think that's part of the reason that I love running so much because there's no one there to run those miles for you when you get tired and your legs ache. You can only rely on yourself to get you to the finish line.
|On his way to his home away from home|
I bring all this up to say that it's not happy all the time here and there are days that I feel so overwhelmed that I just have to take some time for myself and put my phone on silent, turn my computer off, and just get lost in a book or movie. Then I regroup, check my to do list, and start tackling everything that I have to handle around here. There are also days when the dogs are terrible and cause more trouble than should be possible from those two. Sasha really is too smart for her own good and if Allan is gone for two weeks by week two I start paying for it. She turns her water over, is unhappy whether she's inside or outside, and wants to sit out on the deck at 3:45 AM. I know she misses him but give me a break! Lucky may be precious but don't let that face fool you. He has a little excavation site in the backyard that he and I are going back on forth about. I fill it up and think I've made it to where he can't dig there again and the next day he proves me wrong and I catch him with dirty little paws.
|We always walk sooo nice on our leash, just like this!|
Today I received a subpoena to appear in court next month as a witness. A couple of years ago I was robbed at the bank where I worked and the case is just now going to trial. Just when I thought I could close that chapter of my life it's back. I was very fortunate not to have been robbed at gun point and I was able to detain the robber long enough for the police to be in place to easily apprehend her. Even though it wasn't what I would consider a violent crime that doesn't mean that I don't have nightmares about it and I would never say it's something that I take lightly. I can still see her face as though it happened yesterday and many times in my nightmares things don't play out like they did that day and I get shot or taken hostage. Hopefully next month I can put this all behind me once and for all.
The last thing I want to talk about today is not necessarily an unhappy thing but just something that I think needs to be shared in regards to children. The rest of our siblings already have children and we often get asked about when we are going to have a family of our own. Last time I checked being married means you have a family and when people ask us about starting a family it makes me feel that a family of two (plus the dogs) isn't good enough. Like I said earlier, Allan travels a lot so the responsibility of a child would fall nearly entirely on my shoulders. Now don't take that to mean that I'm not up for the challenge because I am but I don't know that I'm ready for that challenge right now. On a very personal level I am not where I'd like to be physically to have a child. I'd like to lose 15-20 pounds and I've let strength training take a backseat in recent years so my arms and core are weak. Losing the weight and getting stronger is a priority for me this year and I'm about to start using a 1-year gym membership that I snagged off Groupon for $149. Yes, be jealous. That's $149 for an entire year and that includes using the gym and taking most of the classes offered there.
|Uncle Allan loves playing with our nieces and nephews!|
So there you have it. Not all sunshine and rainbows here people! Stay tuned for Part 2 where I'll share some of my favorite and not-so-favorite products and share my take on product reviews.