Two of life's hardest lessons for me have been:
- The only things and relationships worth having are the ones worth fighting for. Learning this life lesson landed me Allan (that's a loooong story) and I wouldn't change a thing about our journey. It also landed me a completed thesis and Master's degree. Did I mention that Allan and I were on a break at the same time I was trying to finish my thesis and graduate?!
- There comes a time to let go: let go of past fears, failures, hurt, grief, expectations, etc. This lesson has brought a lot of pain for me because I struggle with the idea of "Let go and let God". It's hard for me to give up control and leave life in HIS hands.
"Your friend only for as long as they get pleasure or gain something from the friendship; only as long as it does not cost too much."
Reading this via text message felt similar to the one and only time my dad used the word disappointment. It's one of those moments where your chest clenches and you're so heartbroken that the tears won't even come. We're six weeks out from that text and the tears arrived at a rather inopportune time this week while I was in a shower in the ICU waiting area at the hospital (I volunteer there). I called my dad (from the shower so I could have privacy) after receiving his text asking if I had heard about a girl my sister babysat years ago. I knew that meant she had passed away and I lost it as I talked to my dad, then mom, and finally my sister gathering details about what happened. I probably should have sat down on the floor and had let the sobs rack my body but I fought them back and finished my shift without shedding another tear.
The week hadn't exactly been fabulous up to my crying episode Wednesday. Monday there was an incident that I'm not going to talk about that scared me so much that I'm confident my heart rate was elevated for HOURS while I was fearful of all the worst possible things that could happen and feeling powerless to do anything about it but pray. Somehow I settled myself down to sleep that night but the fear was still there when I woke up Tuesday morning. The situation has resolved itself and everything is going to be fine now but I hope I never have to relive that experience for the rest of my life.
Last weekend I pushed my body to limits that I couldn't believe possible when I started running in May. I ran a 15K and a 5K in the same weekend and I wasn't sore AT ALL on Monday morning! I was prepared for pain but it never came. All I felt were strong legs! This Saturday I'm going to try to set a new 5K PR in a race that holds so much emotion. It's possible I may cry my eyes out before, during, and/or after the race. The Liz Hurley Ribbon Run is finally here and for 3.1 miles I'll see two faces in my mind's eye: my sister in law and my great aunt. Two women that I wish could be here for the Survivor's Walk.
I promised happiness was thrown in the mix and it is. This isn't a complete Sad Suzie post! I won some pretty amazing giveaways this week and I'm working on a post to highlight all my loot from giveaways and give thanks to all the sweet bloggers I won these goodies from. I'm sporting a hot pink Active Band as we speak which I won in a lovely giveaway. I'm being active if you consider sitting on the couch watching Vampire Diaries and Grey's Anatomy while writing this blog post being active. I will be sporting the Breast Cancer Awareness Active Band for my race on Saturday so look for it in my race recap!
As far as the exhaustion goes I'm just going on ahead and throwing that out there because tomorrow we are waking up and doing intensive cleaning on the house and picking up our race packets before hitting the road to spend the afternoon with family. Tomorrow night I am driving to my high school's homecoming game and then driving 3 hours back home. Saturday morning we will run the 5K and then drive 2 hours to spend more time with family and celebrate our niece's first birthday and then drive back home. Sunday Allan leaves me again to spend another week in the desert for work so life as a single lady resumes on Sunday night. At that point I'll probably be asleep before his plane even takes off. Thrift store therapy is how I deal best with being here alone so look out! With all that's gone on this week I'd be lying if I said I wasn't on the brink of being emotionally exhausted. The last time I felt this way a good cry and a long sleep had me back to normal but I don't know if this time the fix will be so easy...