Suz's love for COWS + Allan's work with LASERS = one unique blog name! Welcome to our blog filled with race recaps, pictures of our labs, and everything else we share with blogland!

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Spectrum of Emotions

This week has been one that has tested me, broken me, restored me, and left me filled with questions. From fear to grief to happiness to strength to exhaustion and back again. The beginning is the best place to start, right? I have a lot to share and forgive me for being vague about some of it but I'm not ready to throw everything out there for all of the world to read.

Two of life's hardest lessons for me have been:
  1. The only things and relationships worth having are the ones worth fighting for. Learning this life lesson landed me Allan (that's a loooong story) and I wouldn't change a thing about our journey. It also landed me a completed thesis and Master's degree. Did I mention that Allan and I were on a break at the same time I was trying to finish my thesis and graduate?!
  2.  There comes a time to let go: let go of past fears, failures, hurt, grief, expectations, etc. This lesson has brought a lot of pain for me because I struggle with the idea of "Let go and let God". It's hard for me to give up control and leave life in HIS hands.
Starting at the beginning, right? Last month someone referred to me as a conditional friend. I won't go into detail but I will say that the sting of those words have left a lasting mark. This is quite possibly the most hurtful thing anyone has ever said to me and over the past six weeks I've been holding the emotion of all of this inside and waiting for a phone call that may never come. I've never been called a conditional friend so I googled it tonight. Urban Dictionary defines it as:
"Your friend only for as long as they get pleasure or gain something from the friendship; only as long as it does not cost too much."
 
Reading this via text message felt similar to the one and only time my dad used the word disappointment. It's one of those moments where your chest clenches and you're so heartbroken that the tears won't even come. We're six weeks out from that text and the tears arrived at a rather inopportune time this week while I was in a shower in the ICU waiting area at the hospital (I volunteer there). I called my dad (from the shower so I could have privacy) after receiving his text asking if I had heard about a girl my sister babysat years ago. I knew that meant she had passed away and I lost it as I talked to my dad, then mom, and finally my sister gathering details about what happened. I probably should have sat down on the floor and had let the sobs rack my body but I fought them back and finished my shift without shedding another tear.
The week hadn't exactly been fabulous up to my crying episode Wednesday. Monday there was an incident that I'm not going to talk about that scared me so much that I'm confident my heart rate was elevated for HOURS while I was fearful of all the worst possible things that could happen and feeling powerless to do anything about it but pray. Somehow I settled myself down to sleep that night but the fear was still there when I woke up Tuesday morning. The situation has resolved itself and everything is going to be fine now but I hope I never have to relive that experience for the rest of my life.

Last weekend I pushed my body to limits that I couldn't believe possible when I started running in May. I ran a 15K and a 5K in the same weekend and I wasn't sore AT ALL on Monday morning! I was prepared for pain but it never came. All I felt were strong legs! This Saturday I'm going to try to set a new 5K PR in a race that holds so much emotion. It's possible I may cry my eyes out before, during, and/or after the race. The Liz Hurley Ribbon Run is finally here and for 3.1 miles I'll see two faces in my mind's eye: my sister in law and my great aunt. Two women that I wish could be here for the Survivor's Walk. 

I promised happiness was thrown in the mix and it is. This isn't a complete Sad Suzie post! I won some pretty amazing giveaways this week and I'm working on a post to highlight all my loot from giveaways and give thanks to all the sweet bloggers I won these goodies from. I'm sporting a hot pink Active Band as we speak which I won in a lovely giveaway. I'm being active if you consider sitting on the couch watching Vampire Diaries and Grey's Anatomy while writing this blog post being active. I will be sporting the Breast Cancer Awareness Active Band for my race on Saturday so look for it in my race recap!

As far as the exhaustion goes I'm just going on ahead and throwing that out there because tomorrow we are waking up and doing intensive cleaning on the house and picking up our race packets before hitting the road to spend the afternoon with family. Tomorrow night I am driving to my high school's homecoming game and then driving 3 hours back home. Saturday morning we will run the 5K and then drive 2 hours to spend more time with family and celebrate our niece's first birthday and then drive back home. Sunday Allan leaves me again to spend another week in the desert for work so life as a single lady resumes on Sunday night. At that point I'll probably be asleep before his plane even takes off. Thrift store therapy is how I deal best with being here alone so look out! With all that's gone on this week I'd be lying if I said I wasn't on the brink of being emotionally exhausted. The last time I felt this way a good cry and a long sleep had me back to normal but I don't know if this time the fix will be so easy...

13 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry - I hope that you find some peace (and some SLEEP!) soon...

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  2. Sorry it's been a rough week for you Suz. Wishing you all the best for this weekend's run, I'll look forward to hearing how it goes. As for the person who has hurt you with their words, remember the problem is theirs, not yours. Chin up.

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  3. i am so sorry that you are going through some tough times. i hope that this weekend as you run your race and spend time with family, there can be times of comfort and relief from the overwhelming week. I related when you talked about the word "disappointment." My dad used that word when I was home for a bit and it just totally ripped me a part. Even though he did not mean to upset me...it just hurt to know that I let him down. Thinking of you and wishing you a weekend of happiness and good luck in your race!

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  4. I am SO sorry for the difficult time you have been having... for the hurtfullness of a "friend" and the loss of someone you know and everything else. HUGS!!! I hope that things are easier for awhile. Hang in there. :)

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  5. Your "friend" is not a true friend and anyone who would text that to someone isn't worth time and energy spent waiting to hear from them…I know, easier said than done :) I'm sorry for all the upsets, but your running and racing is going awesome - focus on that and good luck this weekend!

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  6. Ugh, a conditional friend? That person does NOT sound like a true friend at all.

    So sorry you've been having a rough week.

    Bright side? It has to get better, right?

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  7. Sorry you've been having such a tough week--that does not sounds like fun at all. You had such an amazing weekend last weekend with both your races, congratulations, and how wonderful that you weren't sore afterwards!

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  8. Who says that? I'm sorry you're having a rough time. Try to concentrate on the good stuff. I have trouble with the let go and let God also, but when I do let it go I find that it works out. It may not be the way I want it to, but He has reasons beyond our understanding. (That's what I keep telling myself!)

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  9. I'm sorry you are having a tough time, hope things get better!

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  10. I'm so sorry! What a lamesauce person to say you're a conditional friend... what in the heck were they going for there... stupid. It's good of you to learn from it though and let go and let God... as you said... that's a great motto!

    I hope things get a little more level for you in the coming week... and good luck in the race!!!

    I know what you mean about the roller coaster of emotions thought...I've had a super emotional last two weeks also (crying like crazy and all over the place with my emotions... my poor hubs... turns out I'm pregnant, so I think I'll blame it on the hormones. haha.)

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  11. I want to give you a big hug. Everything happens for a reason and maybe there was intention for this friend. Who says stuff like "conditional friend?" That is just WRONG!!

    xo
    Sarah
    Get Up & Go

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  12. Sorry you had a tough time this week..HUGS to you. but yay for all the fun loot you won!

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  13. I just read this. Know that I love you! I'm here for you if you ever need to talk more!

    Love you-Jodi

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